ineffective pickup: noticing

In January, I was at Emo’s with a few friends to see Oh No, Oh My!  If you’ve been to Emo’s before, you know that there are two stages for two sets of shows.  And in between the stages, there is an area outside with a small bar.

As Desaray, Brooke, Valerie, and I talked outside, a guy approached me and opened with, “Hi, I just noticed you from over there and I thought that I would come over and introduce myself.  I’m Jake.”

My immediate reaction was to tell him my name, but I was a little taken aback by his introduction.  Ironically, I recently wanted a YouTube video with a guy giving advice on how to approach women, and his suggestion was something similar to what Jake said to me.  However, I could tell right away that Jake needed to work on his pickup because I was pretty unimpressed.

Jake and I had talked for a few minutes before he told me about a show on one of the stages he wanted to check out and asked me if I wanted to go with him.  As a way to get out of it, I turned to my friend with me and said, “Aren’t we going to see Oh No, Oh My! soon?”

They nodded, so I turned to Jake and said, “Yeah, we are about to go into the show, so I can’t.”

We said good-bye, and I thought he had gotten the hint and wouldn’t bother me for the rest of the night.  He clearly hadn’t though because, after the show, when we were all talking outside again, he came up to talk with me and tried to once again get me to go to the other stage with him.  After I kept shooting glances at Valerie, who stood across from me, Desaray said, “Okay, we are going.”

We left soon after, so I didn’t have to talk with him again.  However, I started to wonder if he was just that clueless that he couldn’t take a hint or if he thought his pickup was that good.

So what are the chances that I would run into this guy downtown 4 months later?  Apparently, they were high because I was at Malaia a few weeks ago when I saw Jake again.  As my friends and I danced on the clear but non-reflective dance floor, I saw him.

I decided not to worry about it, especially since we were all having too much fun dancing above the first-floor bar.  When we decided to leave however, I felt someone touch my shoulder as I tried to inch my way through the crowd.  I turned around, and Jake asked, “Do you remember me?”

I looked at him, as if I was trying to think about it.  “Oh yeah,” I responded.

“How have you been?” he said, as we were good friends.

“I’ve been good.”  Not wanting to stay, I continued, “I have to go.  My friends are leaving,” turned around, and left.

What did he except me to say?  Oh yeah, I’m sorry I never called you.  Want to do lunch?

I think someone needs to write a book called She’s Just Not That Into You.

confidate building: dizzy rooster 5.1

A night downtown with friends presented the opportunity to initialize a conversation with someone on the dance floor at the Dizzy Rooster.

As my friends and I danced, I noticed as one guy dancing next to us looked like he was dancing with his friend 2 yards away from him.

Amused at the fact that he seemed to pull off this long-distance dancing, I asked him, “Are you dancing with someone from all the way over there?”

Telling me, “Yeah,” he continued telling me that he was there for his friend’s bachelor party.  We danced for a few minutes then took a break at the side of the bar, where he introduced himself as Ron.  As we talked, I found out that he lives in San Diego and was visiting Austin for his friend’s wedding.  Ron also told me that he works as a financial consultant for companies.

I figured that it would be pointless to number close, but we did email close.  However, I think Ron asked for my email address for networking purposes.  Even so, opening the conversation at the beginning was not as difficult as I always worry it will be.

confidate building: telephone conversation 5.2

The day after I met Danny, he sent me a text message, inviting me to watch a basketball game at his house with him and his friends.  It sounded like fun, so I told him that I would find out the time my friends and I planned on going to the party and let him know.  I also wanted to see if I could find anyone to go with me.  I asked around though, and most of my friends had something to do before the party, so I decided not to meet up with Danny that evening.

In order to tell him that I couldn’t go, I thought about sending him a text in response to his other text messages.  However, for long explanations I prefer actually calling a person.  In addition, it annoys me when guys I meet use text messaging as the only means of communicating with me.

I understand that using the phone can be a little nerve-wracking because I don’t particularly like calling guys either.  However, I realized that this situation would be the perfect opportunity to go outside my comfort zone and practice making this type of phone call.  After all, he was only in town for the weekend, and I didn’t know if I was going to see him again.

Usually when I call a guy, I stare at the pending phone number on my phone, resting my thumb on the Talk button before I finally press it.  However, I pressed the Talk button right away this time.

When he answered, I started the conversation by asking him how his day was going.

“Hey, how’s it going? . . .  That’s good.  What have you been up to today?”

He told me he had gone to The Oasis on Lake Travis and we talked about that for a few minutes.  When he asked me if I was going to go to meet up with him and his friends, I explained that I couldn’t go but told him to call me the next day if he wanted suggestions for something to do in Austin.

While I most likely could have condensed my explanation in a text message, I am glad that I was able to practice calling him.  And the experience actually wasn’t difficult at all.  Hopefully the next time I call a guy I am interested in, I can press Talk right away.

flirting out: 4th street and south congress avenue 5.1

Walking back to my car after an evening downtown, I had almost reached the parking garage near 4^th and Congress.  Thankfully, South Congress at this time of night still has activity and good lighting, so when one of two guys standing by the curb waiting said, “High-five,” I decided to give him a high five and slow down.

He introduced himself as Danny, and I found out that his friend’s name was Mark.  From talking with Danny for a few minutes, I learned very quickly that he was from Phoenix visiting Austin for the first time.

Whenever I meet someone who is not familiar with Austin, my love and enthusiasm for this city makes me inclined to talk about it, getting pretty excited about what I am saying.  In this case, it gave me the opportunity to flirt a little.

For example, I leaned in when I told him, “Austin is pretty much one of the best cities in this country.”  I lightly touched his arm when I asked him, “So what kinds of Austin things have you done so far?”  I also teased him about the fact that he has never been to Austin, telling him how horrible it was that it took two years to visit Mark.

I talked with Danny and Mark until their ride arrived.  At one point, Danny asked me asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and some of his friends the next evening.

I told him that I wasn’t sure because I had a coworker’s party that night.  (In addition, I had just met these guys so I figured that if they were doing something at someone’s place, I probably wouldn’t go.)  We number-closed, and he told me he would call me the next day.

confidating journey review 4.30

I know that I haven’t had too many confidate building or flirting out stories recently.  When I started this blog, I wanted to update it with at least one of these types of posts at least once a week to keep me approaching people.  However, I recently haven’t approached people as much as I could.  And when I have approached people, nothing special happened, so I worried that the stories would be a little boring.

However, keeping in mind that everything is a learning experience, I think that I need to base achievements on how I start conversations with people, rather than if I number close.  According to The Fine Art of Flirting, “To flirt well, you must assume that the pleasure you get from flirting is an end in itself.”  I think if I take on this mentality, it might take some of the pressure off from approaching and talking with people.

In addition, when I look at the larger picture, I am only in the first phase of my journey: overcoming shyness.  The second phase will be about making additional plans with guys, and the third phase will be about becoming better at dating.

dating archive: i want to hold your hand

Since my last post, I have been thinking about what I was doing a year ago on the same day. April 22 of last year was I actually my first date with my next boyfriend Matt. Basically, I unintentionally celebrated being single for a year by going out on a date.

I’m not going to describe the date from the beginning. However, there is one particularly funny aspect of the night that makes a good story.

During the date, Matt and I went to dinner at a restaurant on South Congress. After dinner, we walked a few blocks south of the restaurant, visiting a few stores before standing outside Lucy in Disguise. I think we were both nervous, so we tried to make mindless conversation by looking up at the images of all the costumes.

“There is Elvis.”

“And the Mona Lisa.”

“Oh, and Jesus of course.”

“And The Beatles,” Matt said. Turning to me he continued with, “The Beatles. Did they sing that song, I Want to Hold Your Hand?” He paused for a few seconds. “’Cause I want to hold your hand.”

2-year reflection

Some people celebrate how long they have been in relationships.  I celebrate how long I have been out of relationships.  Or at least one particular relationship.  Two years ago today, my first relationship ended.  It had lasted for about 2 and a half years, which is too long for a college relationship in my opinion.

My friend and I have a joke that the first relationship doesn’t really count.  We make this statement about our first relationships because they shouldn’t have happened as long as they did.  However, I think the real reason they don’t count is because you learn from your mistakes during the first relationship.  As a result, I will take that wisdom to my next relationships to make them better.

While I have more than a few reasons and stories about why that relationship should have ended sooner, the whole purpose of this celebration is not to celebrate the end of the relationship but the beginning of how far I have come since then.

When I was in the relationship, I always wanted to be more outgoing, confident, and independent, but I didn’t have much reason to work on these things and I didn’t know how.  It feels good to see how much more outgoing and independent I have become in the past two years.  I have also become a lot more confident, especially in the past 6 months.

So where do I go from here?  At this point in my life, I feel like I need to focus on two things: my friends and confidence.

One thing I took away from that first relationship was to put friends first.  I always try building friendships by making more friends and becoming closer to the friends I already have.

Looking back on how far I’ve come in two years puts my confidating journey in perspective as well.  I know that I have come a long way, and I feel like I’ve made it past the halfway point, and I’m happy with how far I’ve come.  However, I still have to work on being more outgoing and confident before I reach the point where I want to be.

confidate building: shangri’la (inside) 4.12

The sock hop part of the evening took place inside the Shangri’La where the poppy tunes from the 50s and 60s played loud all night.  With less than an hour before the bar closed, Kristina and I were the only ones left in our group.

At this point, I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to ask someone to dance.  I didn’t go to many dances in middle school or high school, but for the few I did attend, I had never asked anyone to dance.  I decided that before we left, I had to do just that.

I saw one guy standing at the edge of the dance floor, looking at everyone moving to the beat as he danced a little himself.  Taking a deep breath, I walked up to him and asked if he wanted to dance.  He said, “Sure,” which made me pretty proud of myself for asking.

I was a little disappointed because he wasn’t really that good of a dancer as I thought he might be and he didn’t seem like he wanted to dance at all.  It didn’t matter though because I did something out of my comfort zone by asking him to dance.

confidate building: shangri’la (outside) 4.12

The second Sunday of the month means Second Sock Hop Sunday.  I’ve known about this monthly dance party for almost a year but have never gone, so I was excited to go for the first time with Kristina.

When we arrived, we decided to sit at one of the picnic tables outside until Kristina’s friends showed up.  As we chatted, facing the outside of the table, someone sat directly behind us.

When I noticed him, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to start a conversation.  Thinking of the easiest way to begin the discussion, I turned to Kristina and said, “The guy who checked my ID at the door took a long time looking at my ID before letting me in.  Do I not look 21?”

She had no idea that I was trying to start a conversation the guy at our table, so she responded like she normally would.  “He did?  I don’t know.  I have a hard time telling how old people look.”

“And I guess since you know how old I am, it’s hard for you to judge.”

“Yeah, that too.”

I turned around and looked at the guy sitting behind us, “Do you think I look at least 21?  The guy at the door scrutinized my ID before letting me in.  So I’m trying to figure out how old I look.”  Looking back, I am surprised how easy it was to turn to him and say everything.  Before I began my confidating journey, I would have been too nervous to start a conversation with him.  I feel like it was easy because we were already sitting next to each other.  Next time I need to step things up and talk to someone outside my vicinity.

“I don’t know,” he responded to my question about how old I look.  “Did he ask you questions about what was on your ID?  Or was he just trying to flirt with you?”

“None of those.  He just looked at it a long time without saying anything.  I was just wondering because people always think I look younger than I am.”

I noticed that the age question was a good way to start a conversation because he soon held out his hand and introduced himself at Brett, a sign that he wanted to continue talking.

“Thanks for starting a conversation with me by the way,” Brett said.  “I was getting so bored just sitting here.”  I thought it was funny that he thanked us for talking with him, considering that I usually worry that I am going to bother people when I ask someone I don’t know a question, even though no one I have ever started talking with in the same way has ever been outwardly annoyed.

We didn’t have long enough time to talk because the people that we all were waiting for arrived soon.  However, maybe next time I won’t be as worried about starting a conversation with a guy I don’t know because most people aren’t annoyed when you start talking with them and some might even be grateful.

ineffective pickup: eyebrows

The same night I met Andrew, Kristina and I were saying good-bye to him when a man approached Kristina.

“I just had to tell you that I noticed it before, and didn’t say anything, but I decided to come over here now and tell you that you have really nice eyebrows,” he said.

“What?” Kristina looked at him, not knowing how to respond.

“Yeah, I just wanted to come over here and tell you that I like your eyebrows.”

Kristina looked as if she was about to laugh, and I was already laughing on the inside.

“I’ve never been complimented on my eyebrows,” Kristina said, as the man continued to go on about her eyebrows.

“Really?” he asked, as if “The Sexiest Eyebrows in Hollywood” was a regular feature in People Magazine.  “I bet all your friends are jealous of your eyebrows.”

“I know I am,” I had to jump in at this point.

Even Andrew, who had listened to the conversation as he sent a text, was highly amused and felt compelled to tell the man that his eyebrow comment was a good line.