How do you tell someone you can’t date him anymore?

Is there a right way to end it with someone you are dating?  Whether you are in a relationship or have been dating for only a few weeks, there are plenty of obvious wrong ways to end it: writing an email, ignoring phone calls, or changing your relationship status on Facebook without telling him.

But is there an obvious right way?  In general, you can’t go completely wrong if you are honest.  However, even if you are honest, there are still wrong ways to approach the situation.

About a month ago, I had to tell someone that I couldn’t date him anymore.  We had only gone on three dates, so it wasn’t serious, but I still agonized over the best way to tell him without coming off as a jerk.

The problem was that we had already made plans for another date half a week earlier.  I hate the idea of canceling a date, so based on the advice of one friend, I thought of giving him one more chance.  However, I also didn’t want to lead him on, so another friend suggested that I call him and tell him.  As I tried to make a decision, I realized that I was going to feel like a jerk no matter what.

As I began to think back to previous dating situations, I remembered how my last boyfriend broke up with me over a year ago.  At the time, I was so angry at the way he ended it, and even he admitted that he could have handled it better.  But in reality, he probably didn’t know a better way to handle it.

I feel like some people just don’t know how to respond in certain dating situations.  They are afraid of confrontational situations, so they either put off ending things or ignore the situation completely, hoping it will just go away.  I know I have been guilty of both.  I am getting better, but I don’t always know what to do.  This time, I decided that I wanted to end things the right way.

I ended up calling him and being completely honest.  I even said that I debated the better way to tell him, but he told me that it was probably better to get everything out in the open.  Our conversation didn’t last much longer, but his response made me feel like I had at least made the right decision.

For a while, I’ve been trying to learn how to communicate better, particularly when it came to these types of dating situations.  While I’m sure that I will always agonize over telling someone that I can’t see him anymore, hopefully if there is a right way, I will be able to handle each situation the appropriate way.

dating archive: instant messaging

When Spencer, a new friend at work, sent me an instant message right before noon, he asked me if I wanted to grab some lunch to talk about an upcoming event.

When I returned to my desk, I thought about the lunch, and it occurred to me that the occasional pauses, casual conversation, and awkward goodbye made the lunch feel like a date.

My friend Jenny sits next to me, but we sometimes chat via instant message so that our coworkers don’t have to hear our conversation.  I started typing.

So i have to tell you what happened

Remember that guy we ran into on this floor last week?

Well he sent me a message a few minutes before lunch,

asking me if i wanted to grab lunch with him to talk

about that event we are participating in

So we met downstairs and the two of us chatted,

but it wasn't really anything important or anything

It was weird though, it kinda had a "date" feel to it

But at work

Even though I knew that Jenny doesn’t always get to her instant messages right away, it had been a while since I sent her the first one, so I looked at her and said, “Why aren’t you responding?”

She looked at her screen then back at me and said, “What are you talking about?”

My eyes flew to the instant message window, and I stood up in shock.  At the top of the window, I read Spencer’s name.

I didn’t know what to do.  I quickly sent him another instant message, apologizing and telling him that I did not mean to send him those messages.  When I didn’t hear from him right away, I assumed that he wasn’t at his desk.

Twenty minutes later, Spencer finally messaged me back.  He told me not to worry about it and tried to make me feel better about my embarrassment.  We laughed about the situation, and I acted like it wasn’t a big deal.

Two months later, I’m glad that I can actually laugh about it.  From talking to coworkers since then, I found out that sending a message to the wrong person is pretty common and has to happen to everyone at least once.

I also learned to always double-check before hitting the send button on an instant message.

why do some people need a relationship to be happy?

A few weeks ago during a chat with a few friends, Christine began talking about her friend, Stacy, who is never happy unless she is in a relationship.  She gets so depressed as soon as she becomes single and becomes temporarily happy again when she starts another relationship.

I cringed at the thought of feeling the same way as Stacy, especially when Megan said, “And it’s more common than you think.”

It upsets me whenever I hear about girls who feel so unhappy with their lives when they aren’t in a relationship.  I’m sure that part of it is the messages that we get from society and media.  In books and movies, you don’t have a happy ending unless the couple gets together in the end.

From talking with friends, I know that I am not the only one who feels like I have to defend the fact that I don’t have a problem with being single.  And it seems like society expects women to be married by a certain age if they are going to be happy.  A lot of girls have grown up with these types of messages, which I’m sure have influenced their ideas about relationships.

Insecurity is another reason girls cling to the idea of relationships.  Some girls don’t feel comfortable enough with who they are and need validation to feel better about themselves.  (Boys seek validation as well, but I think they do it in different ways.)

I think that insecurity and low self-confidence is a problem that our society doesn’t address enough.  I feel like part of this is the whole reason behind my blog.

Since I started dating, I was never the type of girl to seek out a boyfriend.  I was never as comfortable with myself as I am now, so I will admit that I have experienced insecurity in the past.  Most people do.  When I date someone though, it is because I want to date him, not because I need to date someone.

confidate building: summer luau party 8.22

Whenever I go to a party where I might not know too many people well, I get really nervous before the party.  Last weekend was no exception.

But even though I was nervous about arriving to the party before any of my close friends, I was looking forward to meeting and talking with new people.

As soon as I stepped through the front door, I knew it wasn’t going to be as bad as I thought.  I already knew most of the people standing in the living room.  I went up to one group, said “Hello,” and asked them how they were doing.  Even though I knew them, this initial interaction would have previously been a chore for me because I wouldn’t have known how to break into a group of people I didn’t know too well.

After briefly chatting, I ventured to the kitchen to see who else was at the party.  As tried to choose a drink, I mentioned to one guy who was doing the same how it was so hard to make a decision.  He helped me decide and, once I had my drink, I thanked him and walked away.  In order to keep the conversation going, I should have introduced myself, but thought of it after it was too late.

However, I did not make the same mistake with every other guy I spoke with at the party.  I began to introduce myself and then proceeded to ask them how he knew my coworker who was throwing the party, which led to longer conversation.

When I usually meet guys that I don’t know, I worry that I can’t keep the conversation going and that I am not being interesting enough.  However, I had no problem this night and even ended up number closing.

flirting out: hollywood video 8.16

Based on what I have read about flirting, the basic idea behind this concept is being friendly and showing interest in a person.

Since I started reading about flirting, whenever I go out to a restaurant or store, I practice.  Flirting with anyone who is providing you with customer service is good practice because he or she is being paid to talk with you.

And I say he or she because I try to flirt with guys and girls because I like the idea of flirting and being friendly with everyone.  As my friend Valerie says of her time working at a gyro stand, “I found it even more flattering when girls flirted with me than when guys did.”

For example, when I am at a counter, like the other day at Whole Foods, I don’t start by telling the person behind the counter what I want.  I pleasantly say, “Hi.  How are you doing?” showing the other person that I am interested in him or her, not just the service.  I also use similar greetings when I am at a table in a restaurant when the server introduces him or herself.

A week ago in San Antonio, I went to Hollywood Video with my sisters to pick out a movie.  As we walked in, I realized that I left my Hollywood Video card at home, and I wasn’t even sure if I had an account with this location.

I only noticed one person working there, but the store wasn’t busy, so I walked up to the front counter. In this situation about a year ago, I would have probably said as quickly as possible, “I was wondering if ….”

Instead, I started with a “Hi” and gave a smile.  “How are you doing today?”

He smiled back.  “I am doing well.  How are you?”

“Good.”  Of course I held eye contact the entire time.  “So, I have a question.”  Taking a moment to pause, I asked him my question.  He told me he would set up a new account for me, during which we had a short conversation about why I was in San Antonio for the day and what I do in Austin.

When he finished, referring to me by my name, he told me, “Okay, you are all ready to go.”

While that whole discussion could have gone the same way if I hadn’t flirted a little, it game me a good opportunity to practice.  In addition, I have discovered that people are friendlier and want to help you if you are friendly with them.

seeking adventure: okcupid

If you are going to try an online dating site, I recommend OkCupid.  Not for the potential dates or the experiences, but for how OkCupid embraces the fact that it is a dating site.

For example, your profile includes a list of “stalkers” or people who have “Recently Checked You Out.”  Don’t let this description bug you though.  Judging others’ pages through your virtual binoculars doesn’t make you a stalker.

And when you visit your inbox, you won’t find a normal message.  You receive “An intimate message.”  But I guess an OkCupid message is as intimate a message you can have with someone you are stalking online.

You don’t really need words to make that online connection though.  Just click the WINK button to send your blinking eye to someone’s inbox.

But why send a message when you can instantly talk?  Make that first interaction sooner with an instant message, which could actually be your first introduction to OkCupid.

Don’t let it bother you if you get too many IMs when you join.  You can always turn the feature off if the messages start to annoy you.  It’s the online version of a guy who awkwardly introduces himself and waits for you to say something interesting.

No matter what kind of message you get, you will have fun picking out which guys just look at your pictures and not reading your profile.  Or which guys send the same generic message that dozens of other girls have also received.  Most guys try to market themselves the best way they can because they want to stand out from the rest of the messages you receive.  Sounds like a virtual bar on 6^th Street, doesn’t it?

And don’t be turned off by how society’s gender roles for dating transfer to online dating.  For example, when a friend met her boyfriend on a dating site, she told him that she almost contacted him before he messaged her.  Surprised, he responded that he thought it was the guy’s job to do that.

On a dating site?  I had assumed that an online dating situation would level the playing field and deviate from traditional dating practices.  However, guys who use OkCupid say that they hardly get any messages from girls.  And while, on average, there are two boys for every one girl on okcupid, this ratio does not account for the lack of messages.

Now that I have been on OkCupid for a few months, I have made a decision about online dating.  While there is nothing wrong with trying to meet someone online, if I truly wanted to meet someone to date seriously, I wouldn’t join a dating site to meet him.  I prefer meeting people in person instead of online.

garden of the gods reflection

Large stones flower up in a garden of trees and sand. I walk through the pink and crystal sand, reaching the base of a blob of rocks.

Strategically placed, these rocks create steps that I start to climb. I take a deep breath when I reach the top, looking down and around, my eyes resting on each group of rocks and floating to the mountains in the distance.

My hair touches my eyelashes and a breeze rushes around me that I don’t feel 3 yards below. I want to stand up here for hours.

I look down again. For a moment I freeze. The height and possibility of falling had not terrified me before. But this second time I look down, I begin to doubt myself.

During a recent visit to the Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs, I realized that this moment of doubt wasn’t a completely new feeling. I do approach situations with confidence, and certainly more than before, but then I start to worry and doubt myself.

The only way to overcome that fear and doubt is to keep working at it, so that maybe next time during the second look down, it won’t be so bad.

seeking adventure: online dating

“I’m just bad at this whole dating thing.”

“No one is good at it.”

I disagree.

I disagree because there has to be someone out there who is good at dating.  For that matter, I can say with confidence that at least one guy I have dated was good at dating.  This conversation that I had with a friend eight months ago is the starting point of my confidating journey and part of what influenced me to try becoming better at dating.

Five months later, a friend suggested that I join a dating site she recently joined: OkCupid.  I had never thought about it before, so I wasn’t sure if it was something I wanted to do.  However, my curiosity got the better of me when I realized that it would give me a good opportunity to practice dating.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I didn’t have as much time this summer as I thought.  But the experience of joining a dating site still provided some interesting insights.

confidating journey review: 8.1

A lot has happened since my last post, which unintentionally caused me to take a break from my blog this summer.

For example, I joined a dating website at the beginning of the summer with the hope that the experience would give me more material for my blog.  While I do have more material that I plan to blog about, my hectic schedule has allowed me to go on one date the entire time, which gives you an idea of how busy I have been.

Even though I have neglected my blog, I haven’t neglected my purpose.  I still work on improving my self-confidence and continue to make progress.  However, I know that there is much more that I can do.

My life will most likely continue to stay busy.  But I plan to start keeping up my blog again with my tales of Austin confidating.

ineffective pickup: noticing

In January, I was at Emo’s with a few friends to see Oh No, Oh My!  If you’ve been to Emo’s before, you know that there are two stages for two sets of shows.  And in between the stages, there is an area outside with a small bar.

As Desaray, Brooke, Valerie, and I talked outside, a guy approached me and opened with, “Hi, I just noticed you from over there and I thought that I would come over and introduce myself.  I’m Jake.”

My immediate reaction was to tell him my name, but I was a little taken aback by his introduction.  Ironically, I recently wanted a YouTube video with a guy giving advice on how to approach women, and his suggestion was something similar to what Jake said to me.  However, I could tell right away that Jake needed to work on his pickup because I was pretty unimpressed.

Jake and I had talked for a few minutes before he told me about a show on one of the stages he wanted to check out and asked me if I wanted to go with him.  As a way to get out of it, I turned to my friend with me and said, “Aren’t we going to see Oh No, Oh My! soon?”

They nodded, so I turned to Jake and said, “Yeah, we are about to go into the show, so I can’t.”

We said good-bye, and I thought he had gotten the hint and wouldn’t bother me for the rest of the night.  He clearly hadn’t though because, after the show, when we were all talking outside again, he came up to talk with me and tried to once again get me to go to the other stage with him.  After I kept shooting glances at Valerie, who stood across from me, Desaray said, “Okay, we are going.”

We left soon after, so I didn’t have to talk with him again.  However, I started to wonder if he was just that clueless that he couldn’t take a hint or if he thought his pickup was that good.

So what are the chances that I would run into this guy downtown 4 months later?  Apparently, they were high because I was at Malaia a few weeks ago when I saw Jake again.  As my friends and I danced on the clear but non-reflective dance floor, I saw him.

I decided not to worry about it, especially since we were all having too much fun dancing above the first-floor bar.  When we decided to leave however, I felt someone touch my shoulder as I tried to inch my way through the crowd.  I turned around, and Jake asked, “Do you remember me?”

I looked at him, as if I was trying to think about it.  “Oh yeah,” I responded.

“How have you been?” he said, as we were good friends.

“I’ve been good.”  Not wanting to stay, I continued, “I have to go.  My friends are leaving,” turned around, and left.

What did he except me to say?  Oh yeah, I’m sorry I never called you.  Want to do lunch?

I think someone needs to write a book called She’s Just Not That Into You.